Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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