the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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