I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
