you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
