NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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