Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
