I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
