Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
