I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
