everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's never too late to be topless.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
OPIZZABONMYDICK
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
