Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
