I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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