How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
