he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
