did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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