his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
