god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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