I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
