this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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