ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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