We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
