dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Randomize
