he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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