so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
