I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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