every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just had sex bonerless
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I am available for nakedness
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
