This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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