You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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