omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
