I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
