All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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