this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
