Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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