I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
