glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
