An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
The best revenge is premature balding
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
