Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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