sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
