we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
