how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
