the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
