I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
