Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize