So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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