I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
