I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
