how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
