Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
