Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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