1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
