I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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