I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My feet surprised me
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
