Betty ford says i'm here all night
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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