Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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