you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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