Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You took a bar mat shot.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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