i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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