that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
