just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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